This past Christmas, Todd bought me a revised edition of Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest, because I had such trouble understanding the original version. God has used it almost daily as His means by which to bring conviction into my life. Last night, Todd and I were praying together. I felt led my the Holy Spirit to pray different parts of the Bible, nothing new. Today, Oswald Chambers addressed our motivation to serve, is it from God or our enemy? Well, last night, I prayed Psalms 130:23-24:
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
He did just that. He pointed out that my motivation to finish support raising had changed. When? How? Why wasn't I aware of this? We just were given an extension to finish up the support. I should have been happy, rather, my heart was mad and full of pride. Just the previous day I was at peace, knowing God was in control and leading us. When did this ugliness enter me? I recognized my heart attitude, and repented, kind of. I have still be throwing a temper tantrum, the kind that would even embarrass my two year old. I am mad that we keep having "due dates" when other families that began at the same time are being treated with total grace, we are given the law, not grace. I have asked over and over why God is allowing this to happen. Nothing, nope, not a single answer... Chambers stated that our hearts should "delight in doing God's will" but my heart was self-satisfaction. I want to prove Nancy wrong, (she is the one giving us the final due dates). I want her to know that only God says we continue or stop, not her! Secretly, I keep hoping if I learn whatever it is that God wants me to learn, He will bring in the last of the support. Wow, what an ugly heart I have. Our God will not be manipulated or deceived. Thus, I am sad at the state of my heart. Nancy isn't in charge of my heart, I am. I am to be blamed... In Exodus 34:6, God states truths about himself, that quickly came to mind:
I am the Lord. I am the Lord, the merciful and gracious God. I am slow to anger and rich in unfailing love and faithfulness.
Praise God! I am thankful that He quietly, gently, and graciously revealed hidden sin in my heart, and is faithful to restore my heart to one that gives Him glory. May God be glorified. Yesterday, the only word I received from God was this: wait. So, I will wait, knowing God is rich in unfailing love and faithfulness.